last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
