When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
