I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
