3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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