When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My penis needs a shock collar
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
