Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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