The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
