I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
