This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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