Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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