So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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