If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
where are you?
Hypothermia
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
