Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
