Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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