Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
