thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
