i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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