I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
