So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
