im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
