Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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