3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
