So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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