Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize