Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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