Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
