I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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