He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
