Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
