Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
