New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
