saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
