my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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