I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
