I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
