You're my little dorito
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
