I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
the raccoons are back...
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