I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
