I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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