you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
