I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
