Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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