On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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