My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
