tonight lets celebrate not being married
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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