I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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