i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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