I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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