My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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