life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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