I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
