just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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