After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize