I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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