i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
