turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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