Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
