You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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