Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
