I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
