Don't make out with my wife yet
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
