bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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