All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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