All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
