your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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