I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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