I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
